Hm.

Siempre es lo mismo. Las mismas dudas, las mismas inseguridades que causan un sentimiento confuso, uno que no te deja ni dormir, y de repente lo único deseado es estar en plena y absoluta soledad. Aunque sea por solo un momento. Unos cuantos segundos de libertad, para dejar que la mente marche sola, sin estar apresurada, sin estar preocupada. Sin esa tonta paranoia, el miedo de perder a alguien a quien amas. Nada importa en ese instante por que eres libre, y no tienes preocupación alguna.

I always wanted her close to the point where I could almost taste the blood running through her veins. I wanted to inhale her essence. I wanted it so bad. The days turned darker, and darker because her soul I couldn’t take. Instead she took mine, and there I was, a soulless creature, roaming through the world mindlessly, without her in my life. 　

and today was a pretty amazing day. well pretty awesome for an unplanned sunday. the worst part, though, is the pressure you get towards the end of the day. that stressful “tomorrow’s monday” feeling. it’s usually me who gets all “oh god, i have to go, school tomorrow..blah blah blah” but today, none of that mattered. i just simply enjoyed a delicious sunday with my lover. and it turned out to be a pretty goddamn legit celebration of our seven months together. <3

Aveces extraño lo que nunca fue, o lo que fue y no duro. Me gustaría haber tenido la confianza y haber creído en mi misma. Mi falta de seguridad y mi baja autoestima me detuvieron. Me encadenaron y recientemente fue que me he liberado. A pasos pequeños, pero por lo menos estoy avanzando. He intentado ver las cosas con otros ojos, con ojos que aprecian de maneras distintas. Las cosas que antes me molestaban y que me hacían sentir inferior, ahora apenas y me importan. No intento sonar vanidosa pero me siento bien sobre mi misma. Se que todos tenemos defectos, y estoy aprendiendo a aceptar los míos. 

I miss you, your presence mostly. Having you around was always fun, even if we didn’t do much, just being there with each other, watching movies, eating. Anything. I want to be close to you again, only if you allow me, to. I hope you know it’s for you. 

Abril,

I hardly update my blog anymore. I just don’t get on much. I’m always busy and computers have become kind of useless to me, now. I’ll try harder. Thanks for sticking around though, I will try to update more often. 

I know I’m not easy to handle. I get pissed, aggravated and even furious so easily. When that happens, I don’t wish to talk to anybody. I push everyone away. But the difference is that he keeps trying. he knows something is wrong and he won’t stop until I tell him and talk to him. He genuinely cares. I love that. I love that he puts up with me, with my problems, the stress school brings me. Everything. When I’m not in the mood to talk about it, he sits and waits, when I’m calmed down, he listens. When I need someone to just be there with me, he is. I can’t ask for more than that. He has gives me all I want, right now, he gives me all I need.

I want to lay down naked next to you, and play with your left hand as your right caresses my skin.

Sometimes I feel like if my life were to end I’d die completely happy. No worries, no regrets. No anything. I’d just die happy because I’ve had a good life. Now, there’s others when I feel like if my life were to come to an end, I’d die without accomplishing anything, I wouldn’t want to die because I haven’t even begun to fully live. Yeah, I’ve had my good days, and I’m sure there’s people that haven’t even been through half the things I’ve been through, or done half the things I’ve done. But I feel like I still got so much more to live for. So many places to visit, so many new things I want to experiment. A vast number of adventures I have yet to experience. I know my time will come, when I can finally get out there and do all the things I want to do.

Make all my wildest fantasies come true. 

When I want to fuck, I do. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I like to enjoy myself. It’s my body, and I can do what I want to please it.

Something I really like is when I can be high and not have to worry about a single thing, which is almost every time I’m high. The only inconvenience is cottonmouth, I swear that feeling is a bitch. Not a single drink can satisfy me, for now. As of right now, I’m feeling pretty good. My day went better than I expected. I miss having this mellow-ass days. I really did miss it.